You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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