We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have post one night stand depression
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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