Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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