she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
