My balls are so social today.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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