wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
