I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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