Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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