I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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