Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
