Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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