Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
