Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
