so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
