ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
