You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
