So drunk, too bad you don't want this
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
