My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
