If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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