I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
