i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
