ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
