after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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