He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
