my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
