i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need to calm my uterus...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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