Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
