What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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