it was like eating out sand paper
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
