My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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