Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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