dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
