at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
