i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
