My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
