The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
