Plan B is the new Plan A
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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