Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
