why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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