i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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