Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
