I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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