please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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