Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
