I CAN MOONWALK!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
