some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
