if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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