i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
