Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
