I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
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